As the owner of Connections Dating, I’ve gained unique insight from the thousands of single men and women I’ve interviewed over the years.  In the almost two decades I’ve been helping people find love, I’ve learned that men and women are more alike than conventional wisdom would have us believe.  Yet, we often have trouble seeing the similarities because our lives are spent focusing on the differences.

From the first time a little boy tried to get your attention by pulling your hair at recess, you’ve probably found yourself pondering the same infuriating question about every man you’ve met: “What is he thinking?”  Comedian Jeff Foxworthy offered a humorous, if not particularly helpful, answer when he said, “Ladies, I’ll tell you what we’re really thinking.  We’re really thinking, ‘I’d like a beer, and I’d like to see something naked.’”

Contrary to what the standup comedians might have you believe, men are complex creatures who think and worry about most, if not all, of the same things you do.  For example, you may think he can’t possibly understand your desire to have children before you’re too old, but in reality, he probably thinks about that too.  Sure, you might rank it higher on your overall list of concerns than he does, but more likely than not, it’s somewhere on his list.

My business has given me a very good perspective on how men feel about dating and relationships, and I’ve learned that men have the exact same concerns, fears, insecurities, and excitement about dating that women have.  We want to make sure we make the best impression on a date.  We struggle with insecurity.  We get our feelings hurt, we get nervous, and we get defensive, just like you.  Not all guys are the same, and there are obviously exceptions every rule, but here are a few fairly universal truths that might surprise you:

1. No matter what he wears on your first date, you can be certain he gave the outfit some serious thought.  If he wears black socks with sandals, there’s a good chance he picked those socks because he thinks they compliment his Tommy Bahama shirt.  If he wears a stained T-shirt from a 5K race he ran ten years ago, chances are, he probably picked that shirt because he wants you to know he used to be an athlete.  And if he looks well-dressed, there’s a good chance that 45 minutes earlier he was standing in front of his bathroom mirror, holding up two different shirts, trying to decide.
2. Whether or not he opens doors and pulls out chairs for you probably has less to do with his manners than with his last girlfriend.  If he dated an old-fashioned gal who appreciated having doors opened for her, he’s likely to try to win your favor with the same approach.  But if he dated a more contemporary woman who found such acts of pseudo-chivalry antiquated, you’re likely going to spend the evening opening your own doors.
3. If he spends too much time talking up his job and/or referencing his respectable income, he may be a shallow jerk, or he may have been conditioned, like many men, to believe that his main contribution to any relationship is his skill as a “provider.”
4. It was rude of him to glance at that woman who walked past your table, but it wasn’t entirely his fault.  Checking out other women is part instinct and part learned behavior.  From a very young age, men are conditioned to never let an attractive woman slip by unnoticed.  We spend adolescence elbowing each other in the ribs, pointing out every pair of long legs that crosses our line of site.  If he’s considerate of your feelings, he’ll eventually train himself not to look.  But expecting him not to notice an attractive woman is like expecting him not to notice a bear on a unicycle.
5. If he spends a lot of time talking about his numerous adventures and accomplishments—like the time he jumped out of a Boeing 727 or the time he was a guest on CNN—he may be a self-centered tool, or he may just be really insecure.  A padded life story is the male equivalent of a padded bra.
6. Whether or not he kisses you goodnight may or may not be a reflection on the date.  If it was a good date, he may not want to ruin it by placing you in an uncomfortable situation.  If it was a bad date, he may move in for the kiss, hoping that it will lead to something that could, in his mind, salvage the evening.  Some guys always kiss goodnight on a first date; some guys never kiss goodnight on a first date.  Don’t take it personally.
7. If you find that he’s bad about not calling when he says he will, it may be that he’s inconsiderate, but it could just easily be that, like most guys, he doesn’t place as much emphasis on phone calls.  When he says he’s going to call you after work, he doesn’t realize that, come 5:15, you’re going to be waiting for that phone call.  If you forget to call him, he may not even notice, so it’s hard for him to understand why you take it so personally when he forgets to call you.
8. It’s not that he doesn’t like to cuddle—most guys DO like to cuddle—it’s just that he doesn’t like to cuddle while he’s doing other stuff (i.e., watching TV, sleeping, rebuilding the engine of his car, etc).
9. He worries about hurting you.  If he’s any kind of good guy at all, he’s given quite a bit of thought to how you’ll be affected if the relationship doesn’t work out.  He doesn’t want you to get hurt.
10. It’s possible that he’s just a jerk and that none of the preceding rules apply to him.  But if he really is a bad guy, there will be warning signs.  For example, how does he treat other people?  Is he judgmental?  Does he think he’s better than other people?  Was he mean to that waiter who got his order wrong?  Does he belittle you?  Do you constantly catch him lying to you?  Real jerks are typically very good about identifying themselves as such.

Over the years, I’ve heard every dating and relationship story you can imagine—the good, the bad, and the ugly.  But the one thing I know for sure is that there are some very, very good single men out there.  Contrary to what your past experiences might have led you to believe, the good ones aren’t all taken (or gay).  Hopefully, having a better understanding of the way men think will help you separate the genuine bad apples from the goodhearted guys who just need a little love and patience.  And should you have trouble finding one of those goodhearted guys, come find me—I’m sure I know at least one or two who’d like to meet you.

This article from Connections Dating originally appeared in Austin Woman Magazine.

Yes!  Opposites do attract physically.  But attraction is different from compatibility.  And opposites are NOT compatible in the long-term.

In discussions of love and matchmaking, you often hear the word “chemistry.”  It turns out that chemistry is actually our body’s way of recognizing similar and unfamiliar DNA—In other words, compatible and incompatible genes.  Our genetic makeup actually pushes us toward being attracted to people with a different genetic structure.  That is why the initial physical attraction between two people has more to do with biology than love.  Unfortunately, according to Pat Love in The Truth About Love, genetic compatibility does not always equal relationship compatibility.  Just because you have chemistry with someone doesn’t mean they’ll make a good long-term relationship partner for you!

In the long-run, the most satisfying relationships involve two very similar people.  Similarities are critical to a happy long-term relationship.  Although opposites initially attract, they then drive each other crazy over the long run.  The greater the differences between two people, the greater the drain on their relationship’s energy.  Every difference requires an enormous amount of hard work to manage, and this subtracts from the energy needed to keep a relationship thriving.  Dissimilarity is associated with divorce and marital instability and dissatisfaction.

Some similarities are more important than others.  Of course, you should have similar life values.  Additionally, as you’re dating and determining potential long-term relational satisfaction, there are several critical factors you should consider:

Desire for verbal intimacy and ability to be intimate: The desire to share your deepest feelings, thoughts, dreams, and fears should be aligned.  This requires being able to access these thoughts, put them into words, and listen intently to the other person to make them feel understood.  The deepest level of intimacy is sharing your relationship needs with another person.  Relationships start with more superficial sharing such as facts and opinions, then move deeper into faults and failures and lastly into communicating legitimate relational needs.

Level of ambition and energy:  It doesn’t matter whether yours is high or low, but it should be similar to your partners.  It’s painful to be with someone whose level of ambition or energy is significantly different from your own.

Expectations about roles:  You should have compatible ideas about duties and responsibilities in the relationship and household.  Whatever the work distribution is, it should be agreed upon.  If there’s no agreement, there’s a big price to pay.

Interests and life dreams: When there are several things you enjoy doing together, there’s a large playing field.  If interests don’t overlap at all, the relationship doesn’t stand much of a chance.  If there are a few main interests that overlap, that is positive.  Additionally, your life dreams should connect and be similar.  If you are pursuing the same goals in life, that matters significantly.

Personal habits: When you get married and live with someone, personal habits become magnified every day.  Examples include punctuality, cleanliness, orderliness, dependability, responsibility, weight management.   Watch closely for personal habits that may grate on your nerves

The most stable marriages are those involving two people with many similarities.  With lots of differences, the relationship is shaky.  You have to work a lot harder and you worry about relational security.  Every difference requires negotiation and adaptation.  One person has to give a lot, or both people have to give some.  In either case, there is a need for a lot of change.  If couples are unwilling to bend and adjust, they’ll experience a lot of resentment and frustration and stress!

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Liana Knudsen has master’s degree in counseling and is a National Certified Counselor.  Her monthly relationship series focuses on skills for healthy relationships and dating.  She can be reached at (512) 275-3699 or on the “Ask Liana” page. If you are wondering about your current relationship and whether or not it will last, call Liana, and ask about her list of 50 character traits you may or may not share with your partner, ranked by importance.

People often bring certain emotions into their dating lives and project those emotions without even realizing it.  By not realizing how they portray themselves to others, they can subconsciously sabotage their chances for successful dates and positive dating experiences.  Of all the emotions a person might bring to a relationship, these are most likely to hamper his or her long-term relationship goals:

1)      Desperation (being too eager):  Your date can sense this from miles away.  Sometimes it plays out as talking in “we” terms too soon.  This can quickly put a lot of pressure on a relationship and scare away the other person.  Sometimes it plays out in terms of significant compromise–too much compromise.  People who give up parts of themselves or part of what’s really important to them for someone else are desperate and will suffer later in the relationship (if it lasts).  Don’t try to reshape yourself to fit the first person willing to date you; stick to what is really important to you in the long-term, and maintain that.

2)      Anger or Resentment (from previous relationships):  You see this when people talk about their exes with bitterness.  They’re still hurt from the relationship and vent that pain through angry words and actions.   When you hang onto anger from past relationships, you subconsciously allow it to seep into current relationships.  People often communicate behaviorally what they cannot or do not communicate in words.  Working through the anger or resentment is critical before entering the dating game.

3)      Cynicism or blame: (viewing relationships through a lens of negativity):  You can tell when someone has a negative outlook on relationships–they have given up.  Because they’ve entered the date with preconceived notions, they set up their dates to fail before their dates have even uttered a word.  If you’re expecting failure or looking for flaws, that’s exactly what you’ll find.  Dating should be a fun process of discovery, not a negative self-fulfilling prophecy.

It’s important to read body language on a date.  If you notice that your date is getting uncomfortable or trying to switch the subject, ask yourself why.  Try to understand how you’re coming across, and ask yourself if you’re projecting any of the above emotions.

It’s important to build a new relationship on a solid foundation.  Bringing one of the above emotions into your dating life will make things much more complicated and difficult than if you started from a place of open-mindedness and possibilities.  A solid foundation means working through unresolved pain, grief, and/or sadness.  Those emotions don’t just go away when unaddressed.  It’s impossible to be authentic in a relationship until you recognize which emotions you bring to it and learn to control them.

One technique I use with clients is a “mock date” coaching session.  It’s like a mock job interview but for a date.  Then I give feedback on listening skills, interpersonal skills, level of engagement, and general perception.  This has proved to be very helpful for folks who have no idea what their dates think of them.  I went on a “mock date” with someone who’d had 20 first dates in the preceding year and couldn’t understand why he never got a second date.  After meeting with me, the source of the problem was much clearer to him.  He realized that he didn’t really listen to his dates because he was so anxious.  He was so lost in his own thoughts that he couldn’t truly be present in the moment.  After some coaching on how to clear his head and convey interest on a date, he felt a lot more confident.

The emotions you convey on a first date can determine whether or not there is a second.  Putting your best foot forward means understanding those emotions.  It means learning to project the messages you really want to convey.

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Liana Knudsen has master’s degree in counseling and is a National Certified Counselor. Her monthly relationship series focuses on skills for healthy relationships and dating. She can be reached at (512) 275-3699 or on the “Ask Liana” page.

Of all the things I like about being married, one of the most comforting is the knowledge that there is absolutely no ambiguity about my relationship status.  I have a ring, I have a marriage license, and I have a whole bunch of pictures of me kissing a woman in a wedding dress.  I can comfortably refer to my significant other as “my wife” and not feel apprehensive that maybe she thinks we’re “just friends” or “casually dating.”  Why couldn’t single life have been this simple?

Perhaps it’s just wishful thinking on my part, but I can’t help but believe there was a time when terms like “boyfriend,” “girlfriend,” and “dating” didn’t carry with them the weight of a United Nations resolution.  Perhaps that belief is born out of the unassuming way I heard those terms bandied about twenty years ago, or maybe it’s the way people of my parents’ generation casually uses them to describe any couple who has known each other for more than a day.  Whatever the reason, I refuse to believe that obsessing over the meaning of phrases such as “in a relationship” is healthy or, from a historical perspective, normal.

During my single days, I once made the mistake of talking about “my girlfriend” in front of one of my know-it-all friends.  He immediately questioned the wisdom of calling her my girlfriend so early in the relationship.  After a befuddled moment of thought, I informed him that I had no intention of tiptoeing around the fact that the woman I’d been dating exclusively for the past two months was, in fact, my girlfriend.  And then I changed the subject to something less grating.

About a year later, a different young woman became uneasy when I described our relationship as “dating.”  She preferred to say that we were “hanging out” or “talking.”  That seriously confused me because I hang out and talk with a lot of people, and those relationships typically involve far fewer romantic dinners, four-hour phone calls, late-night make-out sessions, etc.

After my wife and I had been dating for a couple of months, she asked if it was alright for her to refer to me as her boyfriend.  I responded, “Am I allowed to date anyone else?”

“No!” she replied.

“Well then,” I said, “I guess I’m your boyfriend.”

That was the last time there was any real ambiguity about our relationship status; though, there was a little uncertainty about what to call each other during the six days between the signing of the marriage license by a local Justice of the Peace and our Costa Rican wedding.  We finally solved the problem with a little creativity—I spent the week calling her my “wiancee,” and she called me her “fusband.”  Unfortunately, not all questions of relationship status can be cured with cute pet names.

I’m convinced that society’s obsession with relationship vocabulary originates, at least in part, from the fact that we no longer views marriage as an inevitable step for a serious relationship.  Unable to simply differentiate between “dating” and “married,” we find ourselves reexamining and redefining words like “boyfriend” and “girlfriend,” looking for new ways to differentiate between casual relationships and serious relationships.

Exasperating this ongoing debate over the language of love, couples now find themselves under pressure to make relationships “Facebook official.”  Selecting a Facebook relationship status (Single, In a Relationship, Engaged, Married, It’s Complicated, In an Open Relationship, or Widowed) can create unneeded stress.  What if you declare that you’re “in a relationship,” but your significant other leaves his or her status as “single?”  What a cold, hard slap in the face that would be!  Or worse yet, what if your significant other sees that you changed your relationship status, thinks you’re moving too fast, and breaks up with you?  How should one navigate this potential minefield?  Are couples now supposed to have serious discussions about Facebook status?

Any experienced relationship counselor would likely suggest that open communication between partners is the key to resolving such conflicts.  But I’m not a relationship counselor, so I’ll proffer a different solution:  When in doubt, turn to the dictionary.

No, I’m not suggesting you attempt to stick to the literal definition of these words.  I’m suggesting you take note of the fact that the dictionary offers about a half-dozen very broad definitions for every relationship term.  If the dictionary leaves room for interpretation, it stands to reason that the rest of us should do the same.

Rather than worrying that the man you’re dating still hasn’t called you his girlfriend or that the woman you’re seeing still has her relationship status set to “Single,” stop and consider that the two of you could be operating under two completely different definitions of the same word.  It doesn’t benefit either of you to approach your relationship like a game of Taboo.  Step back, take a deep breath, and realize that you don’t need to live in fear of words.

 
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W. Scott Lewis serves as managing editor and staff writer for Austin Dating Magazine. His “Reflections on Life Before My Wife” column features writings from his days as a bachelor and analysis of his long road to finding “the one.”

You can’t pick up a self-help book or turn on a daytime talk show without hearing the term “emotional baggage.”  But what is “emotional baggage”?  For most people, it’s unresolved issues, unresolved grief, and/or unresolved traumas (however big or small).

My last article suggested that people should “unpack and examine their own baggage.”  Becoming emotionally healthy means resolving past experiences that may have been to overwhelming to resolve at the time they occurred.  It means understanding your flaws.  It doesn’t, however, mean being perfect before entering a relationship—none of us will ever be perfect!

One of my clients is in her late 30’s and has never been married.  She came to counseling because she had just ended another unsuccessful relationship and was single again.  Through our sessions, she realized that the relationship she witnessed for the first eighteen years of her life—her parents’ relationship—is wrought with hidden pain because her parents never learned a healthy approach to conflict.  As a result, they live their lives masking their true feelings.  They resent each other but never say so.

Through counseling, my client is learning patterns for healthy relationships.  She now feels better about dating because she has the skills necessary to discuss challenges in a healthy manner and is no longer trapped in her parents’ pattern of letting unspoken problems fester beneath the surface.

We often hear people say, “I don’t want to be like my parents,” and then watch as they behave exactly like their parents.  It’s human nature is to revert, during times of stress, to familiar patterns of behavior.  But when you take time to process the relationships you witnessed during adolescence and the way those relationships affect you now, it’s possible to identify the trigger points that may cause you to revert to the negative behavior patterns you witnessed as a youth.

There are dozens of relationship formulas out there—this personality characteristic matches that personality characteristic, or this goes best with that.  But, unfortunately, we’re not all blank slates waiting to be matched.  We carry our emotional baggage into our relationships.  So, ultimately, the goal is to understand your flaws and understand your partner’s flaws and understand how those flaws affect your relationship.

Consider these three points when trying to determine whether your baggage matches someone else’s:

1. Authenticity means loving the completeness of you.  Authenticity involves loving the best sides of you, as well as your challenges.  I often work with client on developing this.  When you get married, your issues eventually come out, so it’s important to be authentic with yourself and your partner, early in the relationship.  “Does my baggage match your baggage” is another way of asking, “Does my authentic self match your authentic self?”

   After you’ve been in a relationship long enough to get past the infatuation stage, your baggage and your partner’s baggage will come out, and you’ll see each other’s authentic selves.  This genuine relationship, free of façades, is where you grow to really understand how compatible you are with your partner.

2. Don’t enter into a marriage based on false advertising.  Sometimes, after a few months of marriage, people ask themselves, “Who is this person?  This is not the person I was dating!”  Often, this is because they rushed into marriage.  They got married before revealing their authentic selves.

   Letting your true self come out is the only way to know if you’re well-matched with someone.  The longer you date, the more authentic your relationship becomes.  Research shows that marriages where the couple dated for a longer period of time before getting married tend to be more satisfying than marriages where the couple dated for only a short period of time.

3. Communicate to your partner when your baggage has been triggered.  If your partner understands why you’re inclined to respond in certain ways, both of you will be able to handle stressful circumstances better.  At the same time, continue to work on your baggage so it’s less intrusive in your relationship.

   I had a client who was dating a woman who would often yell when she was upset.  He couldn’t handle yelling because of what it meant in his household when he was growing up.  Only when he communicated why yelling bothered him so much was she able to empathize with him.  The couple was then able to discuss issues in a much more rational fashion.

This series will continue to cover skills for healthy relationships and dating.  I hope you find it helpful!  Please contact me via the contact information below if you’d like to set up some time to explore your specific questions or concerns.

PREVIOUS ARTICLE IN SERIES: “Be the Catch; Then Find the Catch: Being Emotionally Healthy”

Liana Knudsen has master’s degree in counseling and is a National Certified Counselor. Her monthly relationship series focuses on skills for healthy relationships and dating. She can be reached at (512) 275-3699 or on the “Ask Liana” page.

Several of the questions for “Ask Liana” this month came from men and women concerned that they and their romantic partners aren’t “in the same place” in the relationship.  It’s a common concern that manifests itself a number of ways—he doesn’t know where she stands, she’s wondering why he hasn’t said “I love you” yet, and so on.  One woman wrote that she is confused because she’s been dating a man for over four months, and he hasn’t asked her to be his girlfriend yet, even though he is already saying, “I love you.”

When defining a relationship, it’s important to keep these guidelines in mind:

1. It is very rare for both partners to be on the same page at the same time.  Often, one partner moves faster emotionally than does the other.  It’s important to give the other partner time to catch up.
2. it’s perfectly okay for partners to be on different pages.  It’s unrealistic to expect both partners in a relationship to feel exactly the same way all of the time.  In any relationship, the feelings ebb and flow.

   Be cautious of putting pressure on the relationship by trying to define it too early, but, at the same time, be cognizant of where you are, and be aware that where you are will change over time—after three years together, you’ll be at a different place than you were after three months together.

3. The longer you and your partner are together, the more authentic your relationship becomes.  In the early stages of a relationship, each partner is focused on revealing only his or her best qualities to the other.  However, the more time that passes, the harder it becomes to maintain that façade.

   As the partners begin to behave more like themselves, the relationship becomes more authentic, and they find themselves better positioned to judge whether or not they are a good fit.  It’s important to be yourself, versus trying to be who the other person wants you to be (or who you think they want you to be).

4. The early days of a relationship are known as the infatuation stage.  During this stage, each partner has endorphins flowing to his or her brain, masking the negative attributes and emphasizing the positive attributes of the other person.

   Making relationship decisions at this point is dangerous because both partners are long on fantasy and short on reality.  During the infatuation stage, the relationship is viewed through rose-colored glasses.  It’s better to make serious relationship decisions after the endorphins fade and reality sets in.

It’s important for partners to discuss their relationship openly so that each has a healthy understanding of where the other stands.  Individually, each partner should step back and evaluate whether or not he or she is moving forward at a healthy, realistic pace.

Each month Liana answers readers’ questions in her advice column and focuses on skills for healthy relationships in her relationship column.

Liana can be reached at (512) 275-3699 or by filling out the form on the “Ask Liana” home page.

Anyone who has tried online dating knows that it is neither a simple nor surefire method of finding romance.  However, armed with the right knowledge and a healthy dose of skepticism, it can be an effective method.  As in any venture, success hinges on one’s ability to anticipate the obstacles ahead and plan accordingly.  It’s with that in mind that I offer the stories behind three of the lessons I learned (the hard way) about online dating.

LESSON #1

She was the woman I’d spent my whole life looking for—gorgeous, athletic, and intellectual.  Her taste in movies mirrored mine perfectly, and her list of favorite books could have been copied straight from my own profile.  How could there be any question that I was looking at the angelic face of my destiny?  We couldn’t be any more perfect for each other.

For heaven’s sake, we were both studying Russian—not Spanish, not French, not German—RUSSIAN!  That couldn’t be just a coincidence.  Clearly, SexyAmber1980 was the reason the Fates had conspired to bring me to that particular online dating site.  Clearly, some part of me realized when I entered my credit card number and approved the monthly charges that something amazing awaited me on the other side of the sign up page.  Halfway through her profile, my mind was already piecing together the witty, poetic, Pulitzer-worthy message I was going to send her.

By the time I got to the short survey she’d filled out, so much of my brain was busy imagining our future together that I didn’t pause as long as I probably should have when I saw that she answered, “my sorority sisters,” when asked to “List the person or persons to whom you feel the closest.”

Twenty-five-year-old women keep up with former sorority sisters, don’t they?

Then I came to the last question: “Name something you’re looking forward to in the next year.”  Her response:  “My twenty-first birthday.”

What the…?

The world swirled around me.  How could a woman born a quarter of a century ago look forward to her twenty-first birthday?  Like a supercomputer, my brain processed thousands of possible scenarios in mere nanoseconds.  Try as I might to reach another conclusion, only the most obvious, fantasy-crushing answer remained:  The woman I’d convinced myself was my future wife hadn’t used this dating site in almost five years.

And that’s how I learned online dating lesson #1.

ONLINE DATING LESSON #1 – Not all “members” are really members.

Many dating sites don’t delete old, unused profiles.  In fact, many profiles are never used at all—they’re simply created by men and women who don’t realize until they’ve completed the “free sign up” that they won’t be able to communicate with other members unless they pay for a “premium” membership.  These profiles tend to float around online dating databases indefinitely, becoming black holes for the advances of beguiled “premium” members.

LESSON #2

I consider myself a hard worker and an articulate speaker, but one task that gave me trouble in several of my early jobs was cold calling—making sales calls to individuals or businesses that, more often than not, had no interest in what I was offering.  Maybe I was afraid of rejection, or maybe I was just self-conscious about interjecting myself into someone else’s day.  Regardless of the reason, I was much less confident about—and, therefore, less effective at—delivering a sales pitch when I wasn’t certain that the person I was addressing was in the market for what I was selling.

For me, this was the strongest selling point of online dating—I knew that the women on the site were in the market for what I was selling.  They might not be looking for my particular make and model, but they were at least shopping on my lot.  So, I cast out my net and crossed my fingers.

What I reeled in was not at all what I expected.  I never heard back from most of the twenty-something college students and young professionals I messaged.  But I did hear from a number of women who could have been their mothers.  In trying to figure out what about my profile turned off women my own age while simultaneously screaming, “Fulfill your Desperate Housewives fantasy here!” to women twenty years older than me, I stumbled upon online dating lesson #2.

ONLINE DATING LESSON #2 – The Internet makes people lose touch with reality.

The Internet is where our real lives and our fantasies collide.  Our computers beckon to us like carnival barkers, inviting us to step inside and see our wildest dreams fulfilled.  Somewhere behind that wall of pseudo-anonymity, among all of the “blog your way to fame and fortune” success stories and the “have it your way” porn, we lose sight of the cold, hard realities that, under most other circumstances, tether our feet firmly to the ground.

In the online dating world of click-to-flirt simplicity, all tethers are broken, and we quickly find ourselves floating with our heads in the clouds.  We start to believe that if we concoct a witty-enough profile or post an interesting-enough photo of ourselves, we can overcome the standard rules of attraction and compatibility.

Why risk rejection from one average-looking woman at a bar when you can go home and hit on twenty struggling models and never suffer any indignation worse than not receiving a response?  And what if you get lucky?  What if one of those women actually says “YES”?  You could be one of those guys who dates a model!  Sure, why not?  That line in your profile about how you’re willing to lie about how the two of you met is pretty funny.  You’re at the upper end of the $25,000-$35,000 income bracket.  Your profile photo shows you bungee jumping at the county fair.  Heck, you’re probably just the type of witty, adventurous, REAL man these women are looking for.  Surely they’re tired of dating self-absorbed real estate tycoons and brain-dead professional athletes.  No doubt they’d love to date a slightly pudgy, goodhearted guy who enjoys mystery novels and still has most of his hair.

And so begins the cycle.

During the course of a study conducted by one online dating site, one third of the women on the site (the third ranked most attractive by members) received two thirds of the messages from men.  That same study found that female members rated 80% of the available men as unattractive. Clearly, standards run a little high in the virtual world.

Though most online daters first try it because they’re having trouble meeting the right person, the ease with which online dating allows members to screen potential mates eventually leads many to delude themselves into believing it’s their chance to find the perfect person.  And that search for perfection doesn’t end with looks—people limit their choices based on everything from income to musical preference.  In the end, everyone ends up chasing the same tiny group of “perfect 10’s.”  And most of them aren’t even real.

LESSON #3

One evening I was delighted to get a response from a beautiful young woman who seemed to share a lot of my interests.  We struck up a conversation via instant messenger and made small talk for the better part of an hour.  Her profile listed her location as a city forty-five miles south of me, but she informed me that she was attending school fifteen hundred miles away.  I asked if she’d be home for spring break, and she replied that she wasn’t sure.  I asked about summer vacation, and again, she wasn’t sure.  My spidey sense started tingling.

As we continued talking, she seemed to know very little about the area in which she said she grew up.  At the time of this conversation, I was already something of an online dating veteran and knew a red flag when I saw one.  I pried a little deeper.

I asked her where she went to high school.  She named a public high school nowhere near the part of town where she said she grew up.  I ran her (very unique) last name through a couple of online phonebooks.  No results.  I then logged onto a public records database I used for work and ran her last name through it.  It found no record of anyone with her last name living in the city in which she claimed her family had lived for decades.  In fact, it found only a handful of people with that last name in the whole United States, none in my state.  I politely bid her goodnight and promptly blocked her screen name.  Life is too short to chase after women who aren’t what they say they are (and may not be women at all).  A few days later, her profile had been deleted.

That was neither my first nor last encounter with online dating lesson #3.

ONLINE DATING LESSON #3 – People lie.  On the Internet, people lie a LOT.

Lesson #3 is pretty self-explanatory.  From the aforementioned woman who clearly didn’t exist (at least not as the person advertised in the dating profile) to the strippers posing as local singles, hoping to get me to pay to view their webcam shows (these less-than-subtle con artists are pretty easy to spot—their profile photos typically look like they should be wrapped in plastic) to the former beauty pageant contestant who neglected to mention that she’d gained nearly a hundred pounds since her profile photos were taken (that shocker was enough to make me wish we’d decided to meet for something a little stronger than coffee), I was reintroduced to lesson #3 time and time again.

Fortunately for me, men typically aren’t targeted by the more serious and sometimes dangerous liars snaking their way through the online dating world—the married men looking for extramarital flings by posing as bachelors looking for love, the sexual predators using fake profiles to hunt for victims, and the pedophiles targeting single mothers in hopes of getting close to their children.

ADVICE FOR ANYONE CONSIDERING ONLINE DATING

Lessons one and two go hand-in-hand.  If you understand before you ever start filling out your profile that the number of available singles on any online dating site is likely much lower than the millions advertised, you’re less likely to enter the process with unrealistic expectations.  And if you don’t lose sight of the fact that the usual rules of attraction and compatibility still apply, you’ll find yourself well on your way to online dating success.

As for lesson number three, both men and women entering the world of online dating would do well to remember the old Cold War mantra “Trust, but verify.”  If you approach online dating with the attitude that everyone is lying until proven otherwise, your paranoia will most likely destroy any chance you have of meeting a genuine, honest person.

It’s much healthier to give someone the benefit of the doubt, as long as you don’t place yourself in a dangerous position (physically, emotionally, or financially) too early in the relationship.  Take it slow, and be cognizant of warning signs.  If something sounds too good to be true, it probably (but not definitely) is.

Of course, I wouldn’t be giving our sponsor its money’s worth if I didn’t point out that you can avoid many of the common pitfalls of online dating—members who aren’t really members, fake profiles, outdated pictures, convicted criminals hiding behind fake personas, etc.—by joining a second generation dating service like Connections Dating.

Connections Dating screens and verifies every member and shoots members’ profile photos and videos in-house, so you know that what you see is what you get.  Only once a member has passed this screening process does he or she gain access to the members-only website and database.  Connections Dating also hosts frequent local events, which offer members the chance to meet face-to-face in a safe, nonthreatening group environment.  For more information on Connections Dating, click on the ad at the top of the page.

PREVIOUS ARTICLE IN SERIES: “Reflections on Life Before My Wife: The Wall of Technology”

W. Scott Lewis serves as managing editor and staff writer for Austin Dating Magazine. His “Reflections on Life Before My Wife” column features writings from his days as a bachelor and analysis of his long road to finding “the one.”

Such was the tragedy that struck Dayton Ann Williams on February 11, 2008.  Just months after her son Tyrell completed his third tour in Iraq and received an honorable discharge from the United States Marine Corps, Williams’ relief at knowing that her son was far from the dangers of war, nestled safely in the benign tranquility of Central Texas, was shattered by a hit-and-run driver who struck and killed Tyrell outside an Austin sports bar.  Through the Grief: A Mother’s Journey chronicles Williams’ difficult path to finding peace with the loss of her son.

To call Through the Grief an “easy read” is a bit misleading.  The simple prose flows nicely, and much (almost half) of the book’s short 146-page length is filled with photos, journal entries, newspaper articles, and personal letters.  But despite the fact that most readers will have little problem finishing the book in three or four sittings, much of the pain Dayton Williams experienced in the weeks and months following her son’s tragic death is ever-present on the pages, and reading it is an emotional experience that cannot honestly be described as “easy.”

Though Williams’ narrative is occasionally sidetracked—most notably during particularly difficult passages about her family—by her own emotional stream of consciousness, she paints a vivid picture certain to be all too familiar to those who have experienced such a devastating personal loss and likely to serve as a guidepost to those for whom tragedy lies somewhere down the road.

Despite some minor shortcomings, and despite its deeply tragic central story, Through the Grief: A Mother’s Journey is an ultimately rewarding read that will not be lost on anyone committed to a better understanding of the human condition.

Dayton Ann Williams is an active member of Connections Dating in Austin, TX.  Through the Grief: A Mother’s Journey can be purchased at ThroughTheGrief.com and on Amazon.com.

One of my clients—we’ll call him “Fred”—first came to see me for counseling because he was constantly doubting himself. He saw himself as “unlovable.” He was dating a woman seriously, and he was worried that his negative beliefs about himself would get in the way of their relationship. He found himself not believing his girlfriend when she told him over and over that she loved him. It was starting to weigh heavily on both of them.

Fred had a psychological block that prevented him from seeing the best of himself, and this insecurity most frequently manifested itself in his romantic relationships. He wanted to build up his self-confidence so that he wouldn’t lose this woman.

Through a series of sessions, Fred was ultimately able to understand the causes and effects of his low self-esteem and build up his internal self-confidence. His relationship with his girlfriend is now much stronger, and they are even thinking about getting married. Although it was hard work, Fred found that improving his emotional health had a huge payoff.

In general, people who are emotionally healthy have happier relationships. They have a sense of contentment, a zest for living, the ability to deal with stress, and a sense of meaning and purpose in everything they do.

These positive characteristics of emotional health allow people to fully participate in life and have fulfilling long-term relationships. In the past, researchers believed that success made people happy; however, newer research reveals that it’s the other way around—happy people are more likely to be successful and work toward their goals. And they attract others with their energy and optimism.

So, how does one gain emotional health? Well, it’s not easy. It means committing to doing some hard work on yourself! However, as with Fred, the hard work can pay off and lead you to a more honest and satisfying relationship. Being emotionally healthy in a relationship means:

(1) Working through your past hurts and coming to a place of peace.

You may have unresolved pain from previous relationships or from the environment in which you grew up. It is only later in life that many people realize the emotional damage from their pasts. When you’re in pain (whether implicit or explicit), relationships become more difficult. Working through your pain can help you identify and break destructive patterns, thereby, making relationships easier.

People who don’t consciously work to identify unresolved pain instinctively revert back to what they know. They end up reaffirming their negative patterns over and over. As they become more and more discouraged, their negative outlooks on dating eventually become self-fulfilling prophecies.

As an adult, you have the opportunity to know yourself and your needs and to know why you are who you are. If you’re single, there are things you can do now to prepare for lasting love. If you’re in a relationship, you can work to make your current relationship stronger and less strenuous. You can come to better know yourself so that your current and future relationships aren’t damaging to you or your partners. So much of the heartbreak of love is avoided when people learn how relationships really work and uncover the hidden landmines planted by their pasts.

(2) Acknowledging the blockers to emotional health and addressing them.

If you do the right upfront work on yourself, you will better understand how relationships work, and you’ll be able to refine the things about yourself that need to be changed in order to have the partnership you desire. You’ll break the repetitive patterns of past relationships and possibly even change the type of person to whom you are attracted.

The people with whom we fall in love and the ways we behave in relationships are direct outgrowths of the relationships that came before in our lives. For some, wounds are reopened over and over and never allowed to heal. Again and again, these people find themselves stuck in the same difficult situations.

Sometimes, our past experiences wreak havoc on the present without us knowing what to do about it or, in some cases, even realizing it. The goal is to resolve the underlying reasons these problems keep coming up, rather than simply putting a Band-Aid on the problems.

It’s important for each of us to learn to overcome the stumbling blocks to healthy relationships because, ultimately, our true healing comes from healthy relationships. Deep relational care enables us to heal one another.

(3) Really knowing who you are and changing the behaviors that keep you from finding the love you want.

Thinking about answers to key questions about yourself can bring some clarity. For example:

• My goal in life is _____________.
• The thing that gives me the most satisfaction is _______________.
• My deepest fear is _________________.
• My goals for a romantic relationship are _______________.
• I am happiest when _____________.

So many people want to find the perfect partner, get married, and THEN worry about living happily ever after, without ever addressing past hurts or recurring problems. Sadly, many of those who fail to unpack and examine their own baggage are all but doomed to rejoin the ranks of the single. They won’t meet a healthier, more mature person until they, themselves, are healthier and more mature. And they won’t be healthier and more mature until they’ve done their homework and preparation.

The goal is for you to be 100% comfortable with who you are in and of yourself. After all, a healthy relationship is made up of two healthy people.

PREVIOUS ARTICLE IN SERIES: “What Stands Between You and Your Relationship Goals?”

Liana Knudsen has master’s degree in counseling and is a National Certified Counselor. Her monthly relationship series focuses on skills for healthy relationships and dating. She can be reached at (512) 275-3699 or on the “Ask Liana” page.

Relationships are challenging and often end up being the kryptonite that brings down the best of us. Many people have more success in their work lives than in their relationships and find that setting goals and achieving great things is almost second nature at the office. If only relationships worked like that!

When these same individuals take the time to learn what makes a relationship successful and work to enhance their relationship skills, they find that relationships CAN be an easier, more fulfilling part of their lives. Some find they can enlist their analytical strengths and acumen in more productive ways, and many are amazed when their stress levels drop and the physical symptoms of stress (i.e., sleep issues) begin to improve.

How much education do you have on building great relationships? Choosing a mate? Ensuring a long-term, fulfilling partnership? Learning about relationships is an important first step toward growth and improvement. In this series, we’ll explore what works in healthy relationships and what doesn’t—all with the goal of identifying ways for you to move forward.

People often say that a weight has been lifted from their shoulders when they come to truly understand their relationship challenges and keys to success. This series will help you discover what is stopping you from achieving your dating and relationship goals. Our objective is to help you figure out what you want, identify the blockers, and then develop new and creative solutions. Our hope for you is that you find a fulfilling relationship for the long-term.

NEXT ARTICLE IN SERIES: “Be the Catch; Then Find the Catch: Being Emotionally Healthy”

Liana Knudsen has master’s degree in counseling and is a National Certified Counselor. Her monthly relationship series focuses on skills for healthy relationships and dating. She can be reached at (512) 275-3699 or on the “Ask Liana” page.