Ask Liana #1
by Liana Knudsen
Several of the questions for “Ask Liana” this month came from men and women concerned that they and their romantic partners aren’t “in the same place” in the relationship. It’s a common concern that manifests itself a number of ways—he doesn’t know where she stands, she’s wondering why he hasn’t said “I love you” yet, and so on. One woman wrote that she is confused because she’s been dating a man for over four months, and he hasn’t asked her to be his girlfriend yet, even though he is already saying, “I love you.”
When defining a relationship, it’s important to keep these guidelines in mind:
- It is very rare for both partners to be on the same page at the same time. Often, one partner moves faster emotionally than does the other. It’s important to give the other partner time to catch up.
- it’s perfectly okay for partners to be on different pages. It’s unrealistic to expect both partners in a relationship to feel exactly the same way all of the time. In any relationship, the feelings ebb and flow.
Be cautious of putting pressure on the relationship by trying to define it too early, but, at the same time, be cognizant of where you are, and be aware that where you are will change over time—after three years together, you’ll be at a different place than you were after three months together.
- The longer you and your partner are together, the more authentic your relationship becomes. In the early stages of a relationship, each partner is focused on revealing only his or her best qualities to the other. However, the more time that passes, the harder it becomes to maintain that façade.
As the partners begin to behave more like themselves, the relationship becomes more authentic, and they find themselves better positioned to judge whether or not they are a good fit. It’s important to be yourself, versus trying to be who the other person wants you to be (or who you think they want you to be).
- The early days of a relationship are known as the infatuation stage. During this stage, each partner has endorphins flowing to his or her brain, masking the negative attributes and emphasizing the positive attributes of the other person.
Making relationship decisions at this point is dangerous because both partners are long on fantasy and short on reality. During the infatuation stage, the relationship is viewed through rose-colored glasses. It’s better to make serious relationship decisions after the endorphins fade and reality sets in.
It’s important for partners to discuss their relationship openly so that each has a healthy understanding of where the other stands. Individually, each partner should step back and evaluate whether or not he or she is moving forward at a healthy, realistic pace.
Each month Liana answers readers’ questions in her advice column and focuses on skills for healthy relationships in her relationship column.
Liana can be reached at (512) 275-3699 or by filling out the form on the “Ask Liana” home page.
