Reflections on Life Before My Wife: A Relationship by Any Other Name
By W. Scott Lewis
Of all the things I like about being married, one of the most comforting is the knowledge that there is absolutely no ambiguity about my relationship status. I have a ring, I have a marriage license, and I have a whole bunch of pictures of me kissing a woman in a wedding dress. I can comfortably refer to my significant other as “my wife” and not feel apprehensive that maybe she thinks we’re “just friends” or “casually dating.” Why couldn’t single life have been this simple?
Perhaps it’s just wishful thinking on my part, but I can’t help but believe there was a time when terms like “boyfriend,” “girlfriend,” and “dating” didn’t carry with them the weight of a United Nations resolution. Perhaps that belief is born out of the unassuming way I heard those terms bandied about twenty years ago, or maybe it’s the way people of my parents’ generation casually uses them to describe any couple who has known each other for more than a day. Whatever the reason, I refuse to believe that obsessing over the meaning of phrases such as “in a relationship” is healthy or, from a historical perspective, normal.
During my single days, I once made the mistake of talking about “my girlfriend” in front of one of my know-it-all friends. He immediately questioned the wisdom of calling her my girlfriend so early in the relationship. After a befuddled moment of thought, I informed him that I had no intention of tiptoeing around the fact that the woman I’d been dating exclusively for the past two months was, in fact, my girlfriend. And then I changed the subject to something less grating.
About a year later, a different young woman became uneasy when I described our relationship as “dating.” She preferred to say that we were “hanging out” or “talking.” That seriously confused me because I hang out and talk with a lot of people, and those relationships typically involve far fewer romantic dinners, four-hour phone calls, late-night make-out sessions, etc.
After my wife and I had been dating for a couple of months, she asked if it was alright for her to refer to me as her boyfriend. I responded, “Am I allowed to date anyone else?”
“No!” she replied.
“Well then,” I said, “I guess I’m your boyfriend.”
That was the last time there was any real ambiguity about our relationship status; though, there was a little uncertainty about what to call each other during the six days between the signing of the marriage license by a local Justice of the Peace and our Costa Rican wedding. We finally solved the problem with a little creativity—I spent the week calling her my “wiancee,” and she called me her “fusband.” Unfortunately, not all questions of relationship status can be cured with cute pet names.
I’m convinced that society’s obsession with relationship vocabulary originates, at least in part, from the fact that we no longer views marriage as an inevitable step for a serious relationship. Unable to simply differentiate between “dating” and “married,” we find ourselves reexamining and redefining words like “boyfriend” and “girlfriend,” looking for new ways to differentiate between casual relationships and serious relationships.
Exasperating this ongoing debate over the language of love, couples now find themselves under pressure to make relationships “Facebook official.” Selecting a Facebook relationship status (Single, In a Relationship, Engaged, Married, It’s Complicated, In an Open Relationship, or Widowed) can create unneeded stress. What if you declare that you’re “in a relationship,” but your significant other leaves his or her status as “single?” What a cold, hard slap in the face that would be! Or worse yet, what if your significant other sees that you changed your relationship status, thinks you’re moving too fast, and breaks up with you? How should one navigate this potential minefield? Are couples now supposed to have serious discussions about Facebook status?
Any experienced relationship counselor would likely suggest that open communication between partners is the key to resolving such conflicts. But I’m not a relationship counselor, so I’ll proffer a different solution: When in doubt, turn to the dictionary.
No, I’m not suggesting you attempt to stick to the literal definition of these words. I’m suggesting you take note of the fact that the dictionary offers about a half-dozen very broad definitions for every relationship term. If the dictionary leaves room for interpretation, it stands to reason that the rest of us should do the same.
Rather than worrying that the man you’re dating still hasn’t called you his girlfriend or that the woman you’re seeing still has her relationship status set to “Single,” stop and consider that the two of you could be operating under two completely different definitions of the same word. It doesn’t benefit either of you to approach your relationship like a game of Taboo. Step back, take a deep breath, and realize that you don’t need to live in fear of words.
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W. Scott Lewis serves as managing editor and staff writer for Austin Dating Magazine. His “Reflections on Life Before My Wife” column features writings from his days as a bachelor and analysis of his long road to finding “the one.”
