Do Opposites Really Attract?
July 8, 2010 by admin
Filed under Relationships
Yes! Opposites do attract physically. But attraction is different from compatibility. And opposites are NOT compatible in the long-term.
In discussions of love and matchmaking, you often hear the word “chemistry.” It turns out that chemistry is actually our body’s way of recognizing similar and unfamiliar DNA—In other words, compatible and incompatible genes. Our genetic makeup actually pushes us toward being attracted to people with a different genetic structure. That is why the initial physical attraction between two people has more to do with biology than love. Unfortunately, according to Pat Love in The Truth About Love, genetic compatibility does not always equal relationship compatibility. Just because you have chemistry with someone doesn’t mean they’ll make a good long-term relationship partner for you!
In the long-run, the most satisfying relationships involve two very similar people. Similarities are critical to a happy long-term relationship. Although opposites initially attract, they then drive each other crazy over the long run. The greater the differences between two people, the greater the drain on their relationship’s energy. Every difference requires an enormous amount of hard work to manage, and this subtracts from the energy needed to keep a relationship thriving. Dissimilarity is associated with divorce and marital instability and dissatisfaction.
Some similarities are more important than others. Of course, you should have similar life values. Additionally, as you’re dating and determining potential long-term relational satisfaction, there are several critical factors you should consider:
Desire for verbal intimacy and ability to be intimate: The desire to share your deepest feelings, thoughts, dreams, and fears should be aligned. This requires being able to access these thoughts, put them into words, and listen intently to the other person to make them feel understood. The deepest level of intimacy is sharing your relationship needs with another person. Relationships start with more superficial sharing such as facts and opinions, then move deeper into faults and failures and lastly into communicating legitimate relational needs.
Level of ambition and energy: It doesn’t matter whether yours is high or low, but it should be similar to your partners. It’s painful to be with someone whose level of ambition or energy is significantly different from your own.
Expectations about roles: You should have compatible ideas about duties and responsibilities in the relationship and household. Whatever the work distribution is, it should be agreed upon. If there’s no agreement, there’s a big price to pay.
Interests and life dreams: When there are several things you enjoy doing together, there’s a large playing field. If interests don’t overlap at all, the relationship doesn’t stand much of a chance. If there are a few main interests that overlap, that is positive. Additionally, your life dreams should connect and be similar. If you are pursuing the same goals in life, that matters significantly.
Personal habits: When you get married and live with someone, personal habits become magnified every day. Examples include punctuality, cleanliness, orderliness, dependability, responsibility, weight management. Watch closely for personal habits that may grate on your nerves
The most stable marriages are those involving two people with many similarities. With lots of differences, the relationship is shaky. You have to work a lot harder and you worry about relational security. Every difference requires negotiation and adaptation. One person has to give a lot, or both people have to give some. In either case, there is a need for a lot of change. If couples are unwilling to bend and adjust, they’ll experience a lot of resentment and frustration and stress!
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Liana Knudsen has master’s degree in counseling and is a National Certified Counselor. Her monthly relationship series focuses on skills for healthy relationships and dating. She can be reached at (512) 275-3699 or on the “Ask Liana” page. If you are wondering about your current relationship and whether or not it will last, call Liana, and ask about her list of 50 character traits you may or may not share with your partner, ranked by importance.
