Dating from a Man’s Perspective

When Benjamin Franklin wrote, “in this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes,” he was 83 years old.  Perhaps his advanced age explains why he forgot to include the third of life’s certainties:  Relationships are hard.  No matter how you approach them, and no matter what you choose to label them, romantic involvements are not easy.

As the owner of Connections Dating, I’ve gained unique insight from the thousands of single men and women I’ve interviewed over the years.  In the almost two decades I’ve been helping people find love, I’ve learned that men and women are more alike than conventional wisdom would have us believe.  Yet, we often have trouble seeing the similarities because our lives are spent focusing on the differences.

From the first time a little boy tried to get your attention by pulling your hair at recess, you’ve probably found yourself pondering the same infuriating question about every man you’ve met: “What is he thinking?”  Comedian Jeff Foxworthy offered a humorous, if not particularly helpful, answer when he said, “Ladies, I’ll tell you what we’re really thinking.  We’re really thinking, ‘I’d like a beer, and I’d like to see something naked.’”

Contrary to what the standup comedians might have you believe, men are complex creatures who think and worry about most, if not all, of the same things you do.  For example, you may think he can’t possibly understand your desire to have children before you’re too old, but in reality, he probably thinks about that too.  Sure, you might rank it higher on your overall list of concerns than he does, but more likely than not, it’s somewhere on his list.

My business has given me a very good perspective on how men feel about dating and relationships, and I’ve learned that men have the exact same concerns, fears, insecurities, and excitement about dating that women have.  We want to make sure we make the best impression on a date.  We struggle with insecurity.  We get our feelings hurt, we get nervous, and we get defensive, just like you.  Not all guys are the same, and there are obviously exceptions every rule, but here are a few fairly universal truths that might surprise you:

1. No matter what he wears on your first date, you can be certain he gave the outfit some serious thought.  If he wears black socks with sandals, there’s a good chance he picked those socks because he thinks they compliment his Tommy Bahama shirt.  If he wears a stained T-shirt from a 5K race he ran ten years ago, chances are, he probably picked that shirt because he wants you to know he used to be an athlete.  And if he looks well-dressed, there’s a good chance that 45 minutes earlier he was standing in front of his bathroom mirror, holding up two different shirts, trying to decide.
2. Whether or not he opens doors and pulls out chairs for you probably has less to do with his manners than with his last girlfriend.  If he dated an old-fashioned gal who appreciated having doors opened for her, he’s likely to try to win your favor with the same approach.  But if he dated a more contemporary woman who found such acts of pseudo-chivalry antiquated, you’re likely going to spend the evening opening your own doors.
3. If he spends too much time talking up his job and/or referencing his respectable income, he may be a shallow jerk, or he may have been conditioned, like many men, to believe that his main contribution to any relationship is his skill as a “provider.”
4. It was rude of him to glance at that woman who walked past your table, but it wasn’t entirely his fault.  Checking out other women is part instinct and part learned behavior.  From a very young age, men are conditioned to never let an attractive woman slip by unnoticed.  We spend adolescence elbowing each other in the ribs, pointing out every pair of long legs that crosses our line of site.  If he’s considerate of your feelings, he’ll eventually train himself not to look.  But expecting him not to notice an attractive woman is like expecting him not to notice a bear on a unicycle.
5. If he spends a lot of time talking about his numerous adventures and accomplishments—like the time he jumped out of a Boeing 727 or the time he was a guest on CNN—he may be a self-centered tool, or he may just be really insecure.  A padded life story is the male equivalent of a padded bra.
6. Whether or not he kisses you goodnight may or may not be a reflection on the date.  If it was a good date, he may not want to ruin it by placing you in an uncomfortable situation.  If it was a bad date, he may move in for the kiss, hoping that it will lead to something that could, in his mind, salvage the evening.  Some guys always kiss goodnight on a first date; some guys never kiss goodnight on a first date.  Don’t take it personally.
7. If you find that he’s bad about not calling when he says he will, it may be that he’s inconsiderate, but it could just easily be that, like most guys, he doesn’t place as much emphasis on phone calls.  When he says he’s going to call you after work, he doesn’t realize that, come 5:15, you’re going to be waiting for that phone call.  If you forget to call him, he may not even notice, so it’s hard for him to understand why you take it so personally when he forgets to call you.
8. It’s not that he doesn’t like to cuddle—most guys DO like to cuddle—it’s just that he doesn’t like to cuddle while he’s doing other stuff (i.e., watching TV, sleeping, rebuilding the engine of his car, etc).
9. He worries about hurting you.  If he’s any kind of good guy at all, he’s given quite a bit of thought to how you’ll be affected if the relationship doesn’t work out.  He doesn’t want you to get hurt.
10. It’s possible that he’s just a jerk and that none of the preceding rules apply to him.  But if he really is a bad guy, there will be warning signs.  For example, how does he treat other people?  Is he judgmental?  Does he think he’s better than other people?  Was he mean to that waiter who got his order wrong?  Does he belittle you?  Do you constantly catch him lying to you?  Real jerks are typically very good about identifying themselves as such.

Over the years, I’ve heard every dating and relationship story you can imagine—the good, the bad, and the ugly.  But the one thing I know for sure is that there are some very, very good single men out there.  Contrary to what your past experiences might have led you to believe, the good ones aren’t all taken (or gay).  Hopefully, having a better understanding of the way men think will help you separate the genuine bad apples from the goodhearted guys who just need a little love and patience.  And should you have trouble finding one of those goodhearted guys, come find me—I’m sure I know at least one or two who’d like to meet you.

This article from Connections Dating originally appeared in Austin Woman Magazine.